In light of yesterday's tragedy, I am reposting a previous
blog offering my thoughts and opinions on how we can best support those who are
left behind. I don't pretend to understand, but these are a few of the MANY
things that we learned when Mandy died. We have all suffered losses of many
kinds, so feel free to add any thoughts you might have to the comments below.
Before Mandy died, I had said, done, and not done some of these things many
times before....it is hard to know what is right and wrong until you have been
there, and it is different in every situation.
- Say, "I love you", and "I am sorry" and "I am praying" or tell the family what an impact their loved one has made on your life. Please do not say "this is part of God's plan" or any variation of that statement. That may be your belief and that’s perfectly OK, but that statement gives comfort for some and causes anger and hurt for others and I believe it is better left unsaid. There will be time for wrestling with the theological questions of loss later on.
- Do not try to keep the family from crying and do not think there is anything wrong with them if they don't cry, some people just don't. Just as important, don't be afraid to cry in front of them-there is nothing wrong with showing genuine love and concern for their family with your tears. It reminds them of how much their family member was loved by others, too.
- Do not say "Call me if you need anything at all." Instead, just do something-they have no idea what they need right now or for the foreseeable future. Mow the yard, clean the house, wash dishes, answer the phone, go with the family to the funeral home or the cemetery-the list is endless. However, be sensitive to the family's need for time alone as well. This is not the time that the family needs to feel like they must constantly have their "game face" on nor should they have to worry about routine chores than can be handled by someone else. This applies for many, many months, as grief makes even the simplest of tasks seem overwhelming.
- Do share happy memories of their loved one, and do not be afraid to say their name or talk about them. Many times, after the first few days, people stop talking about the person who died, believing somehow that they will make the family sadder if they bring it up. Listen to me people, it is terrifying to think that someone you loved so much will be forgotten. If you have stories to share, write them down and give them to the family. I have every card and picture I have been sent relating to Mandy's death and I cherish every single one. If you have pictures that the family might not have, scan them and make sure the family gets them-these are priceless memories the family might not have seen before. Our favorite and most cherished gift was a never before seen (by us) picture of second grade Mandy wearing a friend's mom's wedding dress.
- Do not disappear after the funeral. Respect the family's need for rest and alone time, but send texts, call, go see them, and continue to include them in the normal activities in which you would have naturally included them before their loved one died. Allow them to choose whether or not to participate and respect that decision, but do not stop asking, no matter how many times they decline-one day they will say yes again.
- Do not say, "I know how you feel" because you don't. You know how YOU feel. Even if you suffered the same relational loss (husband, parent, child, sibling, etc.) you simply do not know how they feel. You may understand some aspects in the light of your experiences, but their relationship with their loved one is unique to those 2 people and you simply cannot fully comprehend their thoughts and feelings. Also, do not make the assumption that everyone in the family is feeling the same thing. Each relationship is different, each person left behind is different, and each person feels the loss differently. Be respectful and mindful of that when you are with the grieving family and understand that these feelings may change daily, even hourly, especially in the beginning.
- Respect their decisions in the way they choose to honor their loved one's life. If they choose a party instead of a funeral, so be it. Celebrate and participate wholeheartedly. One of the most hurtful things when Mandy died was the criticism we encountered of how we chose to honor her life and remember her. It is entirely up to the family to decide how to best celebrate and honor their loved one, and there simply is no right or wrong way.
- Facebook and other electronic media is wonderful for sharing memories, pictures, and encouragement when you can't be there, but don't think for one minute that it can replace the power of human touch and your actual physical presence. It doesn't. Go to the funeral if at all possible. Until you have experienced loss, you cannot fathom what your presence means. You may think you are one person in a swarm of people and your presence or absence makes no difference but it does.
- Finally, pray without ceasing. Understand that all the family can do right now and for the foreseeable future is take life one minute at a time. Love them, carry them and be there for them with your prayers, your words, your stories, and your actions. Remember that you get to go back to your "normal" life after the funeral, but life is completely different for them now and there is no going back. Be God's hands and feet for this family for the long haul.
Finally, as Mandy said, "Life is Short". Don't let
small disagreements turn into big ones, and don't let a day go by without
telling those you love that they are valued and appreciated. If there are
issues that need to be discussed, do it today. You do not know when you might
not get another chance. Life is a very fragile thing.
