Contentment

Ever have one of those days when being content just simply isn't possible? That’s today for me. They come along every so often, the days when my mind refuses to shut off, causing me to relentlessly live through every mistake, every wrong word, every failure, every poor decision-you get the idea-over and over again. These are the days when living feels like being on one of those hamster wheels in continuous motion with little or nothing to show for it. They are usually triggered by some passing milestone, although occasionally it happens for no reason at all that I can see. Sound familiar to you?

I, like most of us, have lived a pretty decent life. I haven’t gotten everything right, of course, but I feel as though I've done OK with most of the big things. I raised a fabulous son of whom I am extraordinarily proud. He is kind, loving, hardworking and responsible, and has become the kind of man that anyone would be proud to have for a husband and father. Although we will never know for sure, I think Mandy was well on her way to being a responsible adult, too. I have done my very best to be a good wife and partner to David and I think I have done OK there, too. I am certainly working hard to be the best mother-in-law I can be, and I hope to be the “world’s greatest grandmother” J one day in the not too distant future (and no, that is not a hint for Matthew and Caroline).

All that being said, why do I have these days? Days during which all I can bring myself to do is think about the times when I haven’t been a good wife, mother, mother-in-law, friend, co-worker, church member or follower of Christ? These are dark days, not just fleeting thoughts, but real, soul searching self-loathing over my failures and shortcomings. Why do they happen? Am I the only one who has these days?

I expect some of you might be surprised that I ever have times such as these. My co-workers see me as a confident woman with no self-doubt whatsoever, and in reality, I am that way most of the time. I am extremely intelligent, relatively comfortable in my own skin and usually the first one to say, “if you don’t like who I am, that is your problem, not mine”. Some days, though, that shy, backwards little girl finds her way out of the person I have become and I can’t shove her into the background. The least little “rejection” or insinuation that I am not good enough sends me into a tailspin. I can hear my dad saying things like “women can’t drive and women don't do anything right” or my mom saying “why do you want to go to college” even though I was valedictorian of my high school class. I can feel my dad’s disdain for women in general and me in particular and his lack of interest in any of my accomplishments in school as strongly today as when I was growing up. Is that “rejection” what triggers these times? I have thought for many years that I was long past any of his opinions bothering me, and he actually told me I was a “very good daughter” the last time he came here to visit, something I truly thought he would NEVER say to me. 

I think we all know that our past very much affects our future, our self-esteem, our behaviors and, if we are honest, the way we view ourselves throughout our lives. Knowing this and overcoming it are 2 entirely different things. On days like these, I find myself turning to the scriptures for words of assurance and comfort such as these found in Matthew 11:28-30. “Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” I find solace in the reminder that God is always with me, helping me to carry those burdens and insecurities. No matter how many times I have laid all them at his feet, no matter how many times I go back to the cross and pick them up, He loves me, and carries me, and allows me to bring them back....over and over and over again.